Saturday, August 04, 2007

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Overall rating from 1 to 100: 26

O Masterpiece (95-100)
O Excellent (75-94)
O Good video rental (60-74)
O Merely OK (50-59)
O Pure mediocrity (30-49)
X Medusa: don't watch (1-29)

Review by Jason Pyles / August 4, 2007

Do you know that feeling you have when you’re trapped in a dentist’s chair, experiencing extraordinary unpleasantness? Well, I’d rather see my dentist — twice — with back-to-back appointments — than suffer through “I Know Who Killed Me” again.

I almost left the theater only 15 minutes into the movie, but “thou shalt not review a movie unless thou hast sat through the whole thing.” Besides, I feel it is my moral duty to warn you. If you do not observe my valuable advice, and you go see this garbage anyway, be sure to sit in the back row. Trust me.

“I Know Who Killed Me” is essentially a star vehicle. The part seems to be written specifically for Lohan (and her fans, particularly males). The movie begins and we see Lohan as a Burlesque dancer. (She remains scantily clad but not nude, thankfully.)

Next we see Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) as a fairly clean-cut gal at New Salem Junior College in California. Immediately, we are confused about the first scene and dismiss it as an attention-getter. Aubrey appears to be a happy girl. She has good parents, a passionate piano teacher and a playful boyfriend. But Aubrey’s real passion is writing.

Only one thing seems to be distantly amiss in Aubrey’s world: A local girl has been kidnapped. New Salem soon learns the gruesome, grotesqueries surrounding the victim’s death. To her horror (and ours, because we witness much of it), Aubrey is the killer’s next captive and torture victim.

Now, compared to other cinematic sicknesses like “Captivity,” “Chaos,” the “Saw” movies, the “Hostel” movies, or “Wolf Creek,” this movie is somewhat mild in the torture department (albeit difficult to watch). I usually refuse to see such movies. I just failed to do my homework on this one; otherwise, I wouldn’t have gone. Plus, I decided after seeing “Vacancy” that the tortured-victims-horror-genre is just not for me. There is no need and no excuse for graphically portraying such things.

But I digress ... Anyway, after about 17 days, Aubrey is found alive. But there’s a problem: She says her name is Dakota, and she doesn’t remember any of her family or friends. This is the glorious premise, and it’s all I will reveal.

To be clear, I hated “I Know Who Killed Me,” including its dumb title.

Almost exactly nine years ago from the date that “I Know Who Killed Me” was released, another Lindsay Lohan movie hit theaters: “The Parent Trap” (1998). Take my word for it, if you must see a Lindsay Lohan movie, revisit that Disney remake, instead. It’s got lotsa Lindsay — minus the disgusting abominations. It’s tragic what can happen to a person in 9 short years.

Directed by Chris Sivertson
Lindsay Lohan / Neal McDonough / Julia Ormond
105 min. Horror / Thriller
MPAA: R (for grisly violence including torture and disturbing gory images, and for sexuality, nudity and language)

Copyright 2007.
JP0165 : 447

posted by Jason Pyles, Movie Reviewer @ 11:12 AM
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